breakdown

So I had a breakdown today. If anyone looked at this before I edited it to paragraph-style...it was pretty sloppy and chopped up because I was typing it in my room in the dark, on the floor, with techno blasting from the set of one of the raves I've gone to (Kandiland V, if anyone cares to know). I bawled for about half and hour, maybe longer. Uncontrollably. Stella was more of a hazard than help...she's too young to realize when someone's in pain. But Toby was amazing - he was so sweet, licking away my tears and sitting down next to me as I cried. Wonder why I was breaking down? This is it.

I feel like my whole world is just empty without raving...nothing exciting, no great highs that go beyond the realms of my imagining, just a boring straight line only broken by extreme lows. Its like I lost a massive chunk out of my life the moment I got caught...the section of my world I loved the most. And it left me in ruin, trying to pick up the pieces. Why did I love it so much? That's easy - it was the only break I ever got from my unexciting life. In fact, it was the only place I could truly be me, without worrying about what anybody thought because everybody just accepted me. You see, being at a rave is like taking a trip to a different world. A world where your just surrounded by love...even from complete strangers. Almost everyone's friendly, there are people to meet, friendships to strengthen, relationships to start. It's like a huge congregation of people who just want to have an amazing time - all people who love the same music, the same scene, and have a lot of the same overall interests and styles. I felt like for the first time in my life, I truly belonged somewhere...as if I'd finally found my real identity: raver. And it felt awesome, something I can't properly explain. Maybe it's wrong to love raves so much. I don't really care. Others judge the scene, but the truth is they just don't know what it's actually like to be there; they focus on the drugs and ignore the great vibes, closely-bound family-style relationships, music, light spectacles, and other such aspects that make raves so wonderful. Honestly (and this goes for everything, not just raving), I don't think a person has any right to judge was someone's doing unless they've done it themselves...and even then they should only state it as their personal opinion, not a fact.

Example: Raves are bad. All the druggies go there just to get messed up.
Um, no? Sure, there are people there just for the drug scene...but many are Kandi Kids (like me!). What's a Kandi Kid, you ask? We wear all the kandi ("rave bracelets" or bead bracelets, I'm sure most know them as), and rave for the people to meet, music, and overall vibe...not for the drugs alone. Other people misjudge the scene because they don't really understand what it's about. They think they do, but unless they've been there and felt the good vibes, they don't.

And then now, I'm stuck at home with over-conservative parents who would never accept something like a raver for a daughter. After half a summer of lock-down, I'm afraid to get back out there - but it's killing me not to. Obviously. Like my best friend said just a few minutes ago when I went to him for comfort, "You were a free spirit you were free to do as you like and then...they locked you up it's just like locking up a bird that you just catch out of the air they want to be free and fly but they can't 'cause they are stuck in a cage." That's the truth; I can't believe someone could get it so perfectly.

I don't know if I can stand living like this for much longer, forced to like such a dull, gray life where I can't express myself properly. Like I'm trapped...just as my best friend said. Trapped in a confined world when all I want to do is break free again, and live.

The only question is, who will be able to liberate me?